Pharmaceuticals are more dangerous to your health than terrorists' exploding underwear (satire)

As all of North America now seems to be focused on the issue of one terrorist wearing a pair of exploding underwear, I might as well comment on this latest bit of security theater that seems to have transfixed the nation. Pictures of the exploding underwear "bomb" have now surfaced on the 'net. You can view them at ABC News: http://abcnews.go.com/Blotter/north...

Here is exactly what the text on this page says (I'm not making this up, this is seriously true): (warning: Some of the content here is graphic, read at your own risk...)

"The first photo, to the left, shows the slightly charred and singed underpants with the bomb packet still in place."

I don't know what you think, but if you did an underwear search of all the passengers flying these days, you'd probably find half of them are wearing underwear that's slightly charred and singed with the "bomb packet" still in place.

The gastrointestinal health of the general population is atrocious! And by the time you add in some airport food and in-flight processed food snacks, pretty much everyone on the airplane is setting off a little bomb packet by the time they get off the plane. (Why do you think everybody can't wait to get off in such a hurry?)

Processed food has turned us all into in-flight terrorists!

Frankly, I'm not sure what's more of a threat to public health: Lousy airport security or the digestive effects of in-flight meals. But they both have one thing in common: Underwear...

How to explode your rectum without harming anyone nearby

The ABC News story mentioned above goes on to state that this terrorist's underwear was packing 80 grams of an explosive powder called PETN, which government tests have revealed can blow a (tiny) hole in the wall of an airplane.

This is all brilliant stuff, of course. Truly brilliant. This whole idea that underwear explosives might destroy an airplane all makes sense except for the fact that the terrorist's butt cheeks are in the way!

Had this explosive packet actually been set off, I can tell you exactly what would have happened: There would have been a really loud pop, immediately followed by in-flight pieces of exploding butt cheeks.

I'm not trying to be funny here. This is a true description of the way bombs work. They explode outward, destroying whatever is closest to them first. And this guy actually had this bomb wedged in between his butt cheeks. A sort of "wedgie bomb", if you will. A wedgie with a bang.

This is a serious discussion. There was an attempted assassination of a Middle Eastern prince that happened not long ago. It was even reported in the press. The assassin had somehow managed to shove explosives into his rectum -- I swear I'm not making this up -- and waltzed right through security with it. He then shuffled toward his target, fired off the bomb and subsequently blew his butt cheeks all over the room... without harming anyone else.

Brilliant, huh?

Think about it. In World War II films, you know how you always see brave soldiers throwing themselves on an enemy grenade to protect their squad buddies? That actually works because whoever is on top of the grenade absorbs the explosion. It's basic physics.

In the case of super wedgie terrorist, he's sitting right on top of the explosive powder! Who do you think is going to absorb the full force of the explosion? It's going to be the guy sitting on it.

This is physics 101. A small bomb in somebody's underwear is really only a threat to the idiot wearing the underwear.

The first rule of making bombs is that you probably should not be sitting on top of them when they go off.

Please remove your shoes and your underwear...

Predictably, U.S. authorities have now talked this up into a huge security threat. And sooner or later, it's all bound to lead up to mandatory underwear searches!

I can see it now: A row of air passengers stands nervously at the gate, nearly ready to board the plane when TSA enforcers approach and suddenly demand that everybody bend over and pull down their underwear for a quick search for "explosives."

Sadly, most Americans are so brain-numbed by security propaganda, they would probably go along with it!

So why not just go all the way with this and pass a new TSA rule requiring all Americans to fly with no underwear!

The captain comes on the intercom, saying, "Visibility is 80 miles, we're climbing to 29,000 feet, and we're expecting this flight to be a little breezy..."

Yep, it's undies off when boarding planes from now on. As you pass through security, you can toss your water bottles in one bin, your underwear and panties in another bin, and your self respect in a third. Essentially, if these security searches get any more personal, they're going to undress us from head to toe and make us wear medical gowns, chained to our seats like convicts in a prisoner transport plane. Once we land, we can reclaim our underwear and, if we're lucky, a bit of our lost pride.

Your bra just might contain a bomb...

Don't you just love how air travel authorities keep coming up with new stuff that you have to throw away because it might be a bomb? Remember when we could bring actual water on airplanes? Those were the good old days.

Then one day they declare "Your water might be a bomb!" So millions of passengers now ditch their water at the security gate, throwing it all to waste.

Then they came up with the idea that terrorists could "mix binary liquids" to make liquid bombs in the airplane toilet, and they used that to ban all liquids. So much for your toothpaste, contact lens solution, herbal tinctures and superfood beverage. Toss it in the trash if you want to get on this plane, buddy!

Now they're going after your underwear. And it won't be long before you have to strip down to your birthday suit and hand over your undies for an "inspection" -- right before they send you through the low-frequency X-ray machine that scans your body parts and displays them on a screen as if you were butt naked.

Just wait for a female terrorist who hides some explosives in her bra one day. Following that, a new TSA security rule will be initiated and all flights will become bra-less. No underwear, no bras, no water... what the heck is happening here? Are airlines going to shave our heads and tattoo barcodes on our arms, too, just in case they lose track of which person was handcuffed to which seat?

Absurd security